When I Should Be Doing Homework: Musings about Marriage and Men

Yeah, I have a late paper, but since I took a break for prayer group, I might as well take a break to write down what I'm feeling now.

A. So I finally made up my mind to get married. This might sound odd considering I haven't dated anyone since sophomore year, but hear me out. After all the crap I went through with and after Luke, I was seriously doubting whether or not marriage was an option for me. I liked my single lifestyle-- my ability to flirt, hang out with, and chill with guys without worrying about a significant others feelings. This was always trouble in the previous relationship. I've always been really bad about calling other guys hott in front of significant others. (It's almost always merely a statement of fact, but I'm sure it doesn't help their self-esteem.)

Anywho, last year, I'd kind of sworn off dating (while still maintaining a desire to go out on a least one date, a New Year's resolution that unfortunately was not fulfilled) and marriage. I think I was still working through some residual, "I'm worthless-all men are idiots-my heart is broken" stuff from my relationship with Luke (which only got worse after he finally came out of the closet). And while a teensy bit of that is left (not the I'm worthless part, but the fear of my heart being broken again), I think I've come to the realization that, at some point, I'm going to have to feel vulnerable again and risk my heart being broken to find someone with whom I want to share my life. Such is the nature of (finding) love. I'm actually proud that I came to this conclusion even with the lack of someone special on Valentine's Day (I went out with the girls--Key Lime Cheesecake!). I think it shows I've matured and become (somewhat of) a realist. I'm still hopelessly romantic at heart though. Which brings me to...

B. I think that with this new-found faith in my "one-day" marriage came an onslaught of feelings for guys that are currently in my life. I have no intention of marrying, or even dating a single one, but all of a sudden, they are there, in my line of sight, these living breathing, human, (Christian!) attractive guys. I mean they've always been there, but I guess my mind wasn't processing them since it thought it wasn't necessary.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not drooling all over myself anytime I'm around M, A or the Redeemer boys (a new nickname for them, like it?). But I did realize that they do have things to offer and that some of them are cute (and single). This is all just mindless musings, however, since most of them are sophomores (though I might be inclined to say yes if someone asked me out on a date) and I think it's about time for me to stop relying on Facebook info to tell me whether someone is available or not. I think it's about time I headed into the wedding ring phase, don't cha think?

Ah! I told myself this blog was going to be honest, but little did I know :)

Evanston: Crime and Compassion

As I was walking past Whole Foods today, I lied to the man who asked me for money. I told him I didn't have any cash. I had over 20 dollars in my wallet. I did not feel guilty.

Sitting in Pomegranate as I ate my steak in a sack, I read The Weekly whose cover article had, in pictorial form, the number of robberies and crimes since September. I said to myself, "who walks alone at 2 AM?" I stopped just short of "That's what they get."

Walking out of Pomegranate I went back the way I came and gave the man who asked me for money a dollar. He replied, "God Bless You."

The other man who asked me for money got nothing. I said, I'd given it all to the other man who's just asked. I lied again. I did not feel guilty. I felt saddened.

I write this to show that even the people who think themselves generous are not always so. And even the people who know first-hand how hard it is to glimpse "the good life" fall prey to selfishness and bad stewardship. I write this to show too that crime in Evanston, however "rare" still happens, but for reasons we do not think of often. Perhaps that person who robbed you did not need diapers for his one-year old, but something, anything to eat since he hadn't eaten in 3 days.

Sometimes we focus so much on out preconceived notions of who the victim is we forget that there might be more than one. We should remember that (most) people don't rob others for the hell of it. The rob others out of necessity. Sometimes those we whom we classify as criminals without thinking are those who need the most help. I often forget this.

So despite the warnings from NUPD, give to those who ask of you once in a while. They may indeed buy alcohol with it (and whose to say you weren't!) or cigarettes. Or they may use it to buy food for themselves or they're family. Or they may use it to rent a room for themselves so they won't have to sleep in the cold. Whatever they do with it, doesn't really matter. God honors your commitment to helping those less fortunate than yourself. Have and demonstrate compassion.

And who knows perhaps that dollar you gave might stop that person from robbing someone else to get the money they need.



* I believe this can go without saying but just in case: In NO WAY do I advocate for the undertaking of any criminal activity or violence. Or sheer stupidity for that matter: if it's 2 o'clock in the morning, take saferide, cough up the 5 bucks for a cab, or stay where you are!

Yes, I Know I Haven't Written in 4 Months

I am procrastinating. I am sitting in bed with more than a slight headache. I just watched the season finale of Heroes (I want to have Sylar's babies!) and my cat is trying to eat my hand. I'd have to say that minus my headache, today has been a pretty good day.

Until, I went to Facebook. I now know the reason why I avoid facebook other than a status update, or a "like" every now and then. Everybody on there seems to be having a more interesting life than mine. They look happier, better, more satisfied than I do. I know I am being silly, that these people are no happier than I am, but for a second, I believe it.

Now this post is not meant to be depressing, indeed I am not depressed or even close to it. In fact, I think my avoidance of Facebook for said reasons are helpful to my person. Whenever I see pictures/people, I want to reinvent myself. Not to be more like them, but to be more like me. In other words, I want my ideal self to match my actual self.

I do this in a variety of ways. I change my hair, I dress differently, I try new things, I concentrate on school, I concentrate on family/friends/life. What I have learned is that I cannot be all that I want to be, all the time. It would result in cognitive dissonance overload. I can, however, be parts of myself at any given time.

Therefore, I'm cutting my hair again, and I am going to write a short story/novella (whichever one I can finish and be proud of). I miss my playful, creative, adventurous side. Maybe these things will help me get a part of that "me" back.