Ha!

In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.


In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.

Funny Jokes!

Letter Scramble

When you rearrange the letters:

DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: MOON STARER

THE EYES: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE

The Wall

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, and when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between Christians, Jews and Muslims. I pray for all hatred to cease. And I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a freaking wall."

Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good of man.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

BILL CLINTON: I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that chicken.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

It's been a long time, I shouldn'a left you...

... without a dope post to touch you!

Ha!

Still love that song :)

Anyways, it's been OVER A MONTH since I've posted.
(Work is hectic, ya'll; I promise to try harder to post in the future!)

Even more, the last post I left ya'll was about some creeeeepy garbage I found on the interwebs!
How could I do that to all my what? 4 followers! LOL!

This post won't be that long, but hopefully it'll make it up to you with its randomness and hilarity!


First things first: A Funny Joke

CAR PRIVILEGES

A mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party. The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?" "Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously. Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to have a talk with the paperboy about putting the paper under the front tire of the car."

Admit it; you know that was cute.

Second things second: Phil Wickham

So I am totally on this Phil Wickham (www.philwickham.com) kick after my friend Jasmine posted a video on Facebook of this guy Jeremiah Harmon doing a cover of one of his songs, "Divine Romance." The cover was fantastic, the song itself was fantastic, so I checked out the rest of PW's songs and, lo and behold, they were all fantastic too.

So, I thought I'd share. The first video is "Divine Romance" and the second is one of my favorites, "I Will Wait For You There." Both of these are on his debut, self-titled album.

ENJOY!

And finally, third things third: Television

Um, did you really think that I would leave you without a note about my favorite pastime?!

If you have not seen them, GO WATCH the following TV shows: JUSTIFIED, PERFECT COUPLES, THE CHICAGO CODE, HARRY'S LAW. These are all relatively new and AWESOME. They are going to be the subject of the next couple of posts... yep the "For The Love of TV" series that I promised you guys and will soon deliver.

That's all folks! Until next time... which hopefully won't be that long from now!

Hilarity Ensues (Funny Jokes)

Latest Installment of somejokesIfoundratherfunny:

Daniel Tosh: Saw Myself Naked

Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago -- that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.'

Bob Marley: Nacho Type

The minute they put the nachos on the table, everybody becomes an enemy because there's all different kinds of nachos. Do you ever see those naked ones around the perimeter? Then, there's that one big Powerball nacho that somehow is connected to all the other nachos on the plate -- it's like the Kevin Bacon of nachos.

Jamie Lissow: Unrealistic Goals

I think people need to think more before they speak. The other day I was walking along the street, and this gorgeous girl rides by on a bicycle. And the guy in the group ahead of me says, 'Man, look at her. Wish I could be that bicycle seat.' I'm like, what? Don't you think that's a little bit of an unrealistic goal? Besides, if you're going for it, why don't you just aim to be the guy that's sleeping with her? Maybe something that doesn't require sorcery.

Greg Warren: Cheating at Chess

Everything in my parents house is broken. We play chess, and there are six pieces missing from our chess set. So, we replace them with pieces from my mom's nativity scene. We're playing chess with the Virgin Mary and goats and wise men, and my Uncle Earl cheats. It's like: 'Uncle Earl, that's a pawn. You're not supposed to move him backwards.' 'That's the son of God, boy! You move him wherever the hell he wants to go.'

Tom McCaffrey: In Every Single Cop Movie

You ever notice, in every single cop movie, like halfway through the movie, there's always this scene where the main dude, the cop, will get shot, and then he'll fall, like, 10 stories out of a building, and then he'll be, like, 'Ugh, I'm gettin' too old for this'? And I'm like, was there a time where that was OK? I think that's bad at any point in your life. Has anybody ever been shot and been like, 'Oh my god! I'm exactly the right age for this.'

Daniel Tosh: Only One Tattoo

I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

Wanda Sykes: Don't You Regret Not Having Kids?

People say, 'Well don't you regret not having kids?' And I go, 'No, not really.' And then if they keep asking, I always say this, 'Well, you know, maybe I'll adopt.' But I don't mean that. It's just something I say to make me sound like a nicer person.

Jacob Sirof: New Year's Baby

We had our first two years ago -- on New Year's Eve. That's a rockin' birthday. Kind of f**ks any New Year's plans I might have had for the rest of my life, but whatever, kids can be selfish.

Pete Holmes: Privacy Is Uncool

I think the government made Facebook in an attempt to make privacy uncool. Think about that. I think that's true 'cause they don't have to tap our phones or survey us when we just yield to them everything, just on our own free will. Home address? It's a little weird, OK. Phone number? Call me. Photos? Photos of everyone I know? Here, let me tag those for you.

Brian Regan: New Baby Greeting Cards

They have a section called, 'New Baby.' I don't think you need the word 'new.' They'd have to clear up confusion. 'Do you have an Old Baby section? 'Cause my friend's had a baby, and I let time get away from me, and he's 12.'

So (Again) It's Been Awhile... (Funny Jokes)

In addition to my desire/kick to become more productive, I'm hoping to change the regularity with which I update my blog, starting right now. This one will be a short; I'm just reposting some Comedy Central Joke of the Day's, I found rather funny. But I will tell you what you can expect from me in the next couple of days:

--- Goals/Plans for this year, including FUN trips (Trying really hard to make the FUN Trips part come true, lol) --- San Diego ComicCon, anyone?

--- Cool Things I've Seen Online (I have a ridiculous amount of free time right now): Deco Umbrella, Ridiculously Expensive but Beautiful Hotels

--- People: Did you know who California's Attorney General is? This SUPER COOL lady named...

--- Reviews of Recent Books I've Red and/or Movies I've Seen: The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner, Death at a Funeral, The Hunter, The Chase, the Kill (A Trilogy), etc.

--- Stuff I've wanted to blog about for a while and just haven't yet: Love, Religion, Race, Life and Apple Pie

And of Course,

--- Guys. As there isn't anyone special in my life at the moment, I usually just stick to celebrities and such. This year's newbie: Bradley James. 100 points to the person who knows/finds out who this is. Interesting to note: He's my second blond celebrity crush :)

That's all for tonight folks! Enjoy the jokes!

* J/K: Last note: I'm also trying to make this blog a little more interactive. So COMMENT. Even if it's something little, or critical. I want your opinions since you take the time to read mine.

LOVE IT! Okay, now on to the jokes!

________________________________________________

Chris Rock: Natural Causes

When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, its natural causes. Cuz’ if you was younger, you'd got out of the way.

Royale Watkins: My Wife's Age

My wife had this whole gay military policy with her age: if I didn't ask, she wouldn't tell. And when I did ask, she would get offended. I'd be like, 'Let me ask you something -- how old are you?' 'Excuse me? Listen, let me tell you something -- I'm a woman, and a real man would not ask a woman her age. It's not about how old I am. It's about how young I make you feel. Now go in there and brush your teeth and put on your pajamas, get ready for bed.'

Godfrey: Regular Black

My black friends in America don't believe me. I said, 'Dude, I'm Nigerian American.' 'Word? We thought you were, like, regular black.' What the hell is 'regular black'? Crayola coming out with colors I don't know about?

Greer Barnes: Chasing a White Guy

I was in the park last night, chasing this white guy. He got away from me. I didn't know cops could walk that fast with all that stuff on.

Alex Thomas: Ask a Stupid Question

My mother always told me, 'Boy, if somebody asks you a stupid question, you give them a stupid answer.' The cops walked up to my car, 'Would you like to step out of the car?' I said, 'Hell no, it's hot! I got the air conditioner on. How about you hop your ass in here with me?'

Arj Barker: Walking Shoes

Can you imagine if you had a pair of shoes that you could only walk in? That could be kind of limiting under certain circumstances. 'Everybody get outta here! There's a swarm of bees coming!' What? Oh great, I got my walking shoes on today. I guess I better stroll the hell out of here at a moderate pace.

Wayne Federman: Discriminating Carpool Lane

The carpool lane discriminates against the lonely. These peoples -- through no fault of their own -- don't have the social skills to make friends. OK, that's unfortunate, but what do we do as a society? We push them off to the right in this vehicular apartheid, while they sit isolated in their loser mobiles, forced to watch the popular people whiz by them.

Jessi Klein: You Look A Lot Like...

This co-worker of mine, who I don't know well at all, comes up to me and goes, 'Hey Jessi, I don't know if anyone's ever told you this before, but you look a lot like Anne Frank.' I didn't really know where to put that as a remark. But the worst thing is that my first thought was, 'Was Anne Frank hot?'

Brian Regan: Microwaving Pop Tarts

You can microwave a Pop Tart. That just blew me away that you could do that. How long does it take to toast a Pop Tart? A minute and a half if you want it dark? People don't have that kind of time? Listen, if you need to zap-fry your Pop Tarts before you head out the door, you might want to loosen up your schedule.

Jordan Rubin: Walk the Line

I got pulled over for drunk driving the other day. The cops had me walk that line. I said the one thing you shouldn't say. I was like, 'Stop wiggling it.' 'Cause that gives you away.

Some Jokes I Found Rather Funny

In no particular order of potential amusement:

Kathleen Madigan: Figure Skating

I always wanted to be a figure skater as a kid, too, that was like my fantasy dream. But whenever I watch it, I think I would have totally done it alone. I don't know how these people have enough control over the tempers to be working with a partner. Because if I worked with some guy for 15 years, and we got to the Olympics, and out of nowhere he just fell -- oh, I'd skate around just to chop off his fingers. I would, and I would not feel bad about that -- ever. 'Now when you're nubbing your cereal spoon in the morning, you can look at that box and remember why we're not on it.'

Mike Britt: Too Much of Our Business

We tell too much of our business. I don't understand war. Why we tell everything we're about to do? We're running around, trying to find out military intelligence on them. They don't need that -- all they do is watch the news, they see everything they need to see. They plan their strategy with the TV on and their maps out.

Rory Albanese: Least Respected Place

I'm from Long Island, which is the least respected place in the world. I travel all over the country. I could be in the middle of Omaha doing something and the guy comes up to me and says, 'Hey, where'd you grow up?' I'm like, 'Long Island.' And he's like, 'Loser.' Really? I grew up 22 miles from Manhattan; you lost your virginity to corn. I feel like I win that round. I'm like, 'I've seen the ocean. Game over.'

Whitney Cummings: Silent Treatment

Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many f**king questions as possible. 'I don't understand. Who's that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I don't understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby?' Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you f**king win that argument.

Felipe Esparza: Dad's Furniture Fix

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels -- it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

Demetri Martin: Pillow Fights

Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome -- that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.'

Dave Nystrom: Drunk in the Middle of the Day

Have you ever been drunk in the middle of the day? And I don't mean a couple of cocktails with lunch -- I mean like severely messed up. It's weird because you can't even properly relate to people anymore. I was like, 'What do you mean I can't get an Egg McMuffin? What -- because it's after 11? That's ridiculous.' He's like, 'No, sir, because this is a bank.'

Jeffrey Ross: Stay Free

My favorite band in high school was The Clash. Remember The Clash? They had this one song early on that my boys and I used to use as our little greeting to each other. We thought we were cool. It was called, 'Stay Free.' We'd be like, 'Hey man, stay free.' Then one day, out of nowhere, it became a feminine hygiene product. We couldn't use it anymore. Then we were like, 'Hey man -- you know.'

Julian McCullough: Brain Can't Dream

Did you know that if you go to bed wasted, your brain can't dream? It's like a medical thing. I have my own theory and that's that your brain is like, 'Dude, I'm not going to entertain you after what you just did to me for the last six hours. Oh, you want feel what it's like to fly? Go f**k yourself. I'll be up all night with your liver, figuring out how we're going to make it to 50.'

Funny Joke

In a city park stood two statues, one female, the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.

The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."

I don't know why, but this was just hilarious to me.