Daniel Tosh: Saw Myself Naked
Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago -- that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.'
Bob Marley: Nacho Type
The minute they put the nachos on the table, everybody becomes an enemy because there's all different kinds of nachos. Do you ever see those naked ones around the perimeter? Then, there's that one big Powerball nacho that somehow is connected to all the other nachos on the plate -- it's like the Kevin Bacon of nachos.
Jamie Lissow: Unrealistic Goals
I think people need to think more before they speak. The other day I was walking along the street, and this gorgeous girl rides by on a bicycle. And the guy in the group ahead of me says, 'Man, look at her. Wish I could be that bicycle seat.' I'm like, what? Don't you think that's a little bit of an unrealistic goal? Besides, if you're going for it, why don't you just aim to be the guy that's sleeping with her? Maybe something that doesn't require sorcery.
Greg Warren: Cheating at Chess
Everything in my parents house is broken. We play chess, and there are six pieces missing from our chess set. So, we replace them with pieces from my mom's nativity scene. We're playing chess with the Virgin Mary and goats and wise men, and my Uncle Earl cheats. It's like: 'Uncle Earl, that's a pawn. You're not supposed to move him backwards.' 'That's the son of God, boy! You move him wherever the hell he wants to go.'
Tom McCaffrey: In Every Single Cop Movie
You ever notice, in every single cop movie, like halfway through the movie, there's always this scene where the main dude, the cop, will get shot, and then he'll fall, like, 10 stories out of a building, and then he'll be, like, 'Ugh, I'm gettin' too old for this'? And I'm like, was there a time where that was OK? I think that's bad at any point in your life. Has anybody ever been shot and been like, 'Oh my god! I'm exactly the right age for this.'
Daniel Tosh: Only One Tattoo
I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
Wanda Sykes: Don't You Regret Not Having Kids?
People say, 'Well don't you regret not having kids?' And I go, 'No, not really.' And then if they keep asking, I always say this, 'Well, you know, maybe I'll adopt.' But I don't mean that. It's just something I say to make me sound like a nicer person.
Jacob Sirof: New Year's Baby
We had our first two years ago -- on New Year's Eve. That's a rockin' birthday. Kind of f**ks any New Year's plans I might have had for the rest of my life, but whatever, kids can be selfish.
Pete Holmes: Privacy Is Uncool
I think the government made Facebook in an attempt to make privacy uncool. Think about that. I think that's true 'cause they don't have to tap our phones or survey us when we just yield to them everything, just on our own free will. Home address? It's a little weird, OK. Phone number? Call me. Photos? Photos of everyone I know? Here, let me tag those for you.
Brian Regan: New Baby Greeting Cards
They have a section called, 'New Baby.' I don't think you need the word 'new.' They'd have to clear up confusion. 'Do you have an Old Baby section? 'Cause my friend's had a baby, and I let time get away from me, and he's 12.'
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